by Michael Estabrook
To this day I wonder
she had dated any other guys
in college, like she wanted
how far she would have gone with them.
Even though she
and I were still
(technically speaking) boyfriend and
had been so for 2 years already,
would she have
let these other guys
hold her hand or put an arm around her
Would she have permitted any kissing:
or hard and long and deep?
For example, if
Don, her big,
macho football player friend,
who liked to
walk her to class and study with her,
had worked up the
courage to ask her out
would he also have found the courage
put his arm around her and try to kiss her?
And if so would
gently pushed him away like she did
to that blind
date of hers
as he moved in on her
in the back seat of his
Or instead, because she was
rather fond of Don, her big, macho
player friend, would she have
been receptive to his
and not discouraged him?
Would she have closed
pretty mink-coat brown eyes
like she does when I kiss her,
let him press his hungry mouth
over her mouth as his brawny
surrounded her sweet delicate frame
pulling her in
closer up against him?
He would be a fool not to try,
was so beautiful after all, almost
Homecoming Queen that year.
Yes, I wonder how
would have been if she had let other guys
life and heart and if
I would even be here today if she had.
They didn’t ask her,
they couldn’t ask her,
to dance with them or go on dates
or to do anything else too personal
because she was so damn beautiful.
Do you know what I
Does it make any sense?
You know how, if
you’re a guy
at a dance hopping with strangers,
at your first mixer away at college,
and you’re so eager
to meet some girls,
you want to mingle, to fit in,
survey the landscape carefully,
scope out the girls like a
picking a meal out of a herd of sleek antelope.
the cheetah, you don’t pick
the strongest and most
beautiful of the antelopes,
because she will surely outrun
you, turn you down.
You do not want to wander over,
under your breath,
“Would you like to dance?”
to have her give you a sideways glance,
scrunch her brow and
shake her head,
a disdainful look crossing her pretty
You do not want to get shot down so quickly.
that’s what happens
when you go after the real beauties,
the regal girls,
the girls every guy wants. So instead
choose one who’s pretty,
but not a knock-out beauty
up your chances of success.
That’s what used to happen
She was so stunning, the boys
would pass her
right by, thank God for me.
ahead, go, go out with him.
You’ve been determined
quite some time now to try some other guys
to go out on dates
with other guys.
So go, go ahead, go out with him,
with them, all of them if you need to,
go out and have some
all the fun you need, you deserve.
Where are you going?
Oh never mind, I didn’t
mean to ask you,
I should not be asking you,
I am sorry
It doesn’t matter anyway.
need to know.
It’s none of my damned business
shame on me for asking you in the first place.
don’t own you. You don’t belong to me,
our song is “You belong to Me,”
really belong to me, I know that,
you never have and never
You don’t owe me anything.
You are your own
girl, your own person,
you belong to you, not to me,
you can go out with other guys,
any other guys you want.
go ahead, go out with them,
with the other guys.
be all right, I suppose, although really, truly,
I know it
doesn’t matter how I am,
how I feel about the whole damn
It does not matter if I am fearful of losing you
someone else, to some guy better than me,
matter to you, it shouldn’t matter to you,
truly it is
my problem, all mine, so –
if you need to wander, if you
if I am not enough for you, too bad for me.
need to do it, obviously,
you need to explore your options,
to be with other guys so go! Go! Go ahead
and have at
it, have some fun,
do what you need to do to get it done.
be here, I should be here anyway,
waiting for you right here
in your dorm lobby
when you are all through – maybe.